,

Let me start this off by saying thank you. You’ve been so kind to me and I will never make it up to you. We’ve changed. I think I realized that enough now to put it into words. Do you remember that time when we were sitting by Manila Bay, watching the buoy flash its light? I recall saying that getting together would be a good idea. That it didn’t matter that in the end you wanted to be a doctor in the province and I wanted to be something in the city. All that mattered was that at that moment we knew that we were going to help each other reach our goals; that we were going to follow our dreams and support each other along the way. We knew our destinations didn’t align. I know you knew that. The city and province itself are not exactly the same thing are they? But it didn’t matter to me then. All they were were just goals. Something we aspired to be at the time. We were nowhere close to it. I think you still had a term or sem left while I was barely even regularized by my work— I didn’t understand anything. I was scared and I pretended I had everything under control all the time. I still wasn’t sure of myself and what I wanted, I was even open to the idea of abandoning mine for joining yours if the opportunity came by. That’s how much I gave to the idea of us and chance. I like to think you felt the same way.

I think I’m understanding myself a lot more now. And the picture has never been clearer. I think I’m starting to understand you too and you’re different. I think we both knew for a while too but didn’t want to say or do anything. We can’t risk everything we’ve built. We were perfect for each other. We had no bad fights or breaks or terrible problems (Until now and I guess that one time about the startup). It just made sense to stick and it made us happy. We were okay to set aside our differences for the sake of the relationship. And I was so happy.

But as I grew, I think it started to dawn on me the things that I want. I think I realized that my dream of living independently in the city is not enough to satisfy me here. When I travelled for the first time to North America, I believe I saw myself in everyone. Every little thing that I did made me feel independent— something that I realized I’ve always been craving for. I was suddenly surrounded by people passionate in realizing and achieving their goals and dreams. I looked forward to every chat with Uber drivers, train station employees and even people paying for parking. Any chance to know their story made an impact on mine and I wanted more of that. I didn’t care if they were being fake or doing it “just for tips” like some people say. I crave to know more from people, fake or not. I realized it's what I’ve been missing here.

I love the Philippines, I love my family, my mom and my dad but I could never relate to anyone here. I try so much but I always fall short. People here live differently than the people there. Everyone I know, even my friends who are much more well-off than others, are in survival mode. That everyone needs a good job and everyone who tries to follow their dreams gets punished for it. I mean, you are. And that’s beautiful that you still have your dreams but I also see how hard it gets for you. I see you struggle with the idea of people leaving you behind and the what-ifs of pursuing your other job. I’m sorry. I know people aren’t as lucky as me— where my job is my passion. I failed to see that for a while and was frustrated by the idea that maybe people weren’t trying hard enough.

But then, I think through you, I grew and I realized overtime. That people here are this way not because they choose to but because of the way our system works, that our government simply isn’t good enough and will always have this societal lid in place that pushes aspiring individuals down. It depresses me. And I think for some time after I’ve realized that I’ve been putting up this lie for myself that I want to improve it here and that I want to stay and make it here for the country. But now I realized that I don't really want it at all. It's not my dream.

I want to run away and grow and find myself as a person. I want to love with no limits and see the beauty in every little thing. I want to surround myself with people and their dreams to succeed. I want to learn everything and feel the hardship because God knows I’ve had it easy the whole time. It's not life if everything is spoonfed. I’m afraid that if I don’t do this or at least try to the absolute best of my ability I won’t ever be able to know. I don’t want to think about politics and (sorry for this classist remark) have strong concerns about the poor. I already pity everyone too much as it is, what more the chanceless?

I’m depressed here. I’ve been depressed with the idea that I’ll be stuck here because it “makes sense”. I want to go away, far away from here. Not just because of some impulsivity or emotional high. I want to go because I don’t feel happy here. I feel so lonely.

I want to see the beauty in mundane things, in walks, in bike rides and small talk. I want to experience this world and all it has to offer.

I love you, thank you —